I was laying on my bed in my Strawberry Shortcake decorated room sobbing.  

“God, why have you done this to me?”  This wasn’t the first time I asked this question.  In fact, I can’t even count the number of times I had asked this question.  

My dad died when I was 3 yrs old unexpectedly in a motorcycle accident.  

My dad was a tough, funny, free-spirited, tattoo covered, motor cycle riding badass.  He had a tough exterior, but to my mom and I, he was a big soft teddy bear filled with love for us.  

Even though I was very young when he died, I have still vivid memories of playing tickle monster and getting rides on his back and even on his motorcycle!  Yep, my dad loved to break the rules and have fun as you can see in the photo above.  

Words can’t describe how I felt when my dad died.  For most of my life, I had felt like someone had ripped my heart out and was stomping on it.  If you have ever lost a loved one, maybe you can relate.

My mom remarried a few years later.  To say I was not fond of this man is an understatement.  In fact, I had many moments where I hated him with every ounce of my soul.  

I felt like I was being punished by God.  For most of my life since my dad died until just a few years ago, I blamed God.  How could he/she do this do me?  I must have done something really bad to deserve this is what I was really thinking.

What has made me think about all this again is that my mom and I saw the movie, The Shack last Friday.  It was AH-MAZING!

I’m not going to ruin anything if you haven’t seen it.  In the movie the main character is struggling with something tragic that happened where he is blaming God for it.  

It resonated with me so deeply because that is exactly what I had done!  

From the time I was 3 until in my mid 30s, I blamed God for my dad dying.  I wanted nothing to do with God.  I had NO relationship with God.  

Believing that God was to blame has caused a tremendous amount of pain and suffering in my life.  It has caused me to NOT trust life.  I always wanted to be in control.  I was NOT living life.  I never felt like I could surrender and let go.  The stress and anxiety that are created are overwhelming and paralyzing.

The ONLY thing that has FREED me from all of this is HEALING from my dad’s death.  Healing means knowing that God was NOT punishing me.  My dad made a poor choice to get on a motorcycle after drinking.  God did not abandon me.  God is not punishing me.  God is NOT to blame.

Transforming my beliefs and seeking the truth and healing my relationship with God over the past few years has allowed me to TRUST life again.  It has allowed me to surrender and let go knowing that no matter what happens it’s always for my greatest good.

It has been a process to get to where I am today.  It has not been easy.  BUT, it has been worth every second! Now that I trust life, I let go of my need to control.  I let people in more and more.  

Do you trust life?  Have you ever had an experience in your past where you have blamed God?

In my experience, it’s easy to say you trust. But, the real test is to look at your actions.  Do you try to control situations or others?  If so, you are not trusting. 

What is that costing you in your life?  What is the price you pay?

I know that not everyone resonates with the word God.  You can use whatever word you want here…The Universe, Divine, Spirit, Higher power, etc.  I’m NOT religious.  I do NOT go to church.  I do not believe you need to go to church to have a relationship with God.  But, if you do, great!

Today I invite you to think about your relationship with God.  How can you deepen it?

With Courage,

Colleen